You might be reading this blog, wondering if I focus on my illness every minute of every day. The answer is a resounding NO. It's frequently on my mind, always in the back of my mind, for sure.
But I am trying very hard to get well, and part of that means having positive goals, enjoying healthy leisure activities (there's a long list of other stuff too, but I'm trying to focus this post).
When I got my MSW in December 2013, my plan was to work a couple years, get a clinical license, then decide if I really wanted that PhD. I mean, I wanted it immediately. But it's a lot of work. A lot of stress. And I kinda wanted a break from college. But I haven't made any progress at all on licensure, because I was working in Alabama but wanted a Florida license.
I have been so sick for so long this time, that I started taking a hard look at my overall work history as both a journalist and as a therapist. I wondered if I should just go on disability. That's a tough thing to consider. When I'm well, I am a good employee, good student. I'm smart, talented, creative, empathetic, have a good work ethic, blah, blah. Just read my letters of recommendation to the master's program at FSU from 2011. I'm basically awesome.
But being smart and being sick aren't really related. And if I apply for disability and get approved, I can decline it. If I'm well by then, I can work instead. Or get my Ph.D.
I need a reason to get out of bed. So I'm researching schools and marking application deadlines on my calendar. If I'm accepted to a program and get the right financial aid deal and am stable and well by next fall, I will go back to school. It's a goal.
Also, singing blues music is about the only thing lately that makes me feel anything other than defeated. It's downer stuff, blues music, but I find comfort in it. I mean, if a whole genre can exist detailing humanity's misery, I AM NOT ALONE. So I keep sending out feelers for musicians who might want to start a band with me. Ha. I'm sure if they read my Facebook feed or this blog, they'll be lining up. Because everybody wants to be in a band with a crazy lady. Not the smartest marketing strategy perhaps.
This sick person is not the REAL ME. On stage behind that mic, I am purely in the moment, not thinking all the black thoughts. I'm feeling a release instead. And that feels good. I feel FREE, at least momentarily. I need it. So I do hope some musicians out there open themselves up to the chance that I can be a good addition to their own projects, or that they'll take a gamble at starting a new project entirely involving yours truly.
I have to make efforts on the Ph.D. and music fronts. Because eventually I will be well; I will be ME. And I want a doctorate and a band. I did before I got on the crazy train this time, and I will again when this ride is over. In the meantime, making those efforts are a touchstone to reminding me of what I have to look forward to when I finally climb out of this damn hole.
Meanwhile, I think I am going to apply for disability. I am not well enough to hold down a job right now. I don't know how long it will take before I am. It takes forever and a day to get approved, I hear. If I get well before I get a decision on the disability, no big deal. I'll proceed with my life as planned. If I get approved for disability and still can't work, well ... that's what it's there for. I would still keep fighting to get better, with the eventual goal of getting off disability and going back to work. Still, hard on the ego. But what isn't these days.
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