Hypocricy or Pragmatism?

OK, so I applied for a job. Yay me! In response to some well-meaning suggestions from friends and family -- and based on my own crappy experiences with bosses in various jobs through my working years -- I decided that I would take down this blog and my Facebook page and my GoFundMe campaign. All temporarily, until I find a job.

I meant to do that. Really, I did.

But.

I just can't stomach it. On one hand, I know it is not my job to end stigma against mental illness. That's a huge job, like turning back the tide.

But.

If not me, who? I don't have a clue where that annoying maxim "If you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem" came from. But I've always taken it to heart.

And now I have no idea what to do. Though really, there was never any doubt I'd leave this all out there. But I'm going to angst over it. Be mad about it. Worry that I won't get a job and that everybody who warned me will be right. Cry because the world really is a shitty place.

But.

Deciding to "come out" to the public about me having Bipolar Disorder was something that required much thought and prayer. I don't say it lightly when I say I feel "called" to be open about this. Voice for the voiceless and all that. How can I possibly say this to the world? "Here I am. Bipolar Hope. Take me or leave me" THEN turn around and say, "Well, let's pretend I didn't say all that, at least until I get a pay check, then I'll go back to advocating."

Now, I know tons of people hide their Facebook pages when they're job hunting. Maybe they don't want that picture of them holding a beer to create a false impression. Maybe they just like their privacy. If that were the case with me, I wouldn't bat an eye. I'd just shut it all down, then put it back out there when it was less likely to cause me negative consequences.

But I just can't. I won't.

I watched a documentary about Robin Williams last night. It made me so sad. It looked at the history of his career. Then at the end, there was some general commentary that people were sad that he was dead. The closest anyone came to mentioning mood disorders or suicide was this one actress saying, "Why?"

Maybe the makers of the documentary were trying to be respectful or sensitive. But I think that's bullshit. If he'd died of cancer, nobody would have tiptoed around it. There might well have been a telethon. And if I had just beaten cancer, I would celebrate that all over the internet. I wouldn't be ashamed I'd gotten cancer to begin with. (Please don't mistake me. I am in no way saying cancer is easy, that it is less a nightmare than mental illness. I just mean that people acknowledge that it's hard, that it sucks, that it can kill you, that there needs to be more screening, more research, more access to treatment.)

A few years ago I considered myself fairly open about having Bipolar Disorder. I didn't go around sharing "my truth" with the whole world. But people in my life who mattered, who I thought might understand ... yeah, I told them.

When my life turned into a disaster earlier this year, I felt my pride had to be sacrificed if I was going to save myself because I needed money. I didn't anticipate how much that act would strip me of my dignity. I remember calling my BFF balling my eyes out because I felt like I may as well have been on a street corner holding a tin can begging for spare change. It is lowering to have such need, to have no way of being self-supporting. Trust me, I was and am grateful for every penny I get from friends, family, strangers. Just like I'm grateful for any government assistance I qualify to receive.

I want a job. I NEED a job. This last bout with bipolar episodes was such a steep fall. From graduating with a master's degree and living in another country to getting my dream job to ... I shudder to think about the past several months. I really do believe if I hadn't had such a huge gap in taking my meds (lack of resources, not noncompliance), I would be fine right now. More than fine even.

I am so very grateful that my current meds DO seem to be working. I recognize myself more days than not. I am accomplishing more, little by little. I am getting ever more confident that I can not only hold down a full-time job but do a damn fine job for whatever company hires me AND the clients I serve.

I really hope that me choosing to leave all this information about my experience with bipolar disorder online doesn't keep me from getting hired.

Although.

When it comes down to it, if a company won't hire me based on my illness, I probably don't want to work for them anyway. I want to work for someone who believes recovery is possible, who applauds a person who works hard to not only save herself but throw a life raft to other people who are suffering.

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I just know I'm doing the only thing I can live with.

*And please, if you are one of the people who suggested I keep this quiet, please don't be offended by this post. I really do see your point, and I wrestled with what to do. And I appreciate that you all were willing to be honest with me.

**If any of you can spare a little change for my tin cup, please donate to my GoFundMe campaign. I am using this money for meds, co-pays, gas to and from treatment, etc. I won't waste it. And I will pay it forward when I'm working in the social services field. I am so grateful for everybody who's already helped.