No triggers occurred that I can identify. But, like a switch, I flipped from positive to negative sometime this afternoon. I started wanting to sleep, to self-isolate. I started focusing on the fact that I don't have kids. On poor relationship choices -- I actually defended my latest entanglement recently by saying, "But drunken sex addicts need love too." (Maybe Al-Anon can help on that front.)
Then my thoughts went down the trail of "no man will ever put up with the craziness. Yes, countless friends love, respect, and appreciate me, but none of 'em have to deal with me 24/7."
Lest you think I always obsess about finding the right guy, I assure you that isn't true. Usually I have too many irons in the fire, none of which I would give up to free up the time and energy required to pursue a relationship. I love my freedom.
And yet. I am sometimes plagued by the "why am I still single?" nonsense. I wonder if my life can be truly fulfilling without kids. (Not that I think all women need kids; it's just that I have always wanted a houseful.)
I spent some time with my parents, some dinner and pleasant conversation. But I longed for bed the whole time. I had a two-hour nap today so I didn't need more sleep. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hide.
Now it's bedtime and I hope I fall asleep quickly and don't wake up several times, as per usual. I hope my brain is kinder to me again when I wake up tomorrow.
I pray before bed most nights. Sometimes those are long conversations with god. Tonight I will just be begging, "please make me well; please make me well; please make me well."
My friend, I hate that you are still struggling so hard. I am glad that you are having conversations with God. He created you and loves you. He also gave us a guide for living this life that is somehow so precarious despite our best efforts and planning. He loves us enough to give us free will and with it many of us have floundered....It seems as though you are always seeking answers so today I point you toward a guide created in love FOR US. He didn't throw you out into the big bad world with a resource to combat troubles. Read the Bible, listen to some Christian radio for resources on more info and inspiration. You have sought information in so many directions, why not try the one that was inspired by the One who created you?
ReplyDelete