The hardest post I've ever written (on mania, public relations, stigma, and heartache)

A good friend did something difficult and gave me a talkin' to (I mean that in the best since, not smart-assy). I am so glad she did. In response, I'm going to try to address what she said. This is the hardest post I've ever tried to write.

Apparently some people have lost respect for me for begging for money, then going out to a bar or otherwise enjoying myself. Now that I think about it, I can see how that would look like I'm being irresponsible and making bad decisions.

I'm on the fence, though, about whether those really are bad decisions. Bear with me please. I have bipolar disorder. I want to talk about it honestly and publically to help fight stigma. And I need help financially, so GoFundMe.

I think most of y'all know about depression symptoms. I'm less certain you know what mania is in any meaningful detail.

Common signs and symptoms of mania include:
Here's a list:
*Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
*Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
*Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
*Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
*Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
*Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
*Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
*Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
*Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)

I think the recklessness, impulsiveness, and impaired judgment are what's giving people such a bad impression of me.

I'm going to use one recent example: Going to 603's Closing Night Halloween party.

Let me explain my reasoning on this. First, someone gave me a little money and told me specifically to use it for something fun. That's because she knew while I'm depressed I don't get out of bed for days, and I obsess about the disaster that is my life lately. I take treating my illness seriously. I mean, I shocked my brain several times to save me life. That's not an exaggeration. But it's no cure. It just got me out of the deepest depths.

While I was in the hospital, my Mama told me 603 was closing. She knew that would be very meaningful to me. It was the first place I sang open mic or sat in with a band. In fact, it's the first and only bar I've ever felt safe and comfortable in. I respect and like the owner and manager. I've made good friends there. I sort of sped up getting out of the hospital so I could attend the party. Bad judgment? In retrospect, that sounds supremely stupid. But again, I thought it was OK because there was no cover and I usually buy Coke or 1 adult beverage. The whole night cost no more than $5. I was visiting family I hadn't seen in over a month, so the gas (in my mind, at least) wasn't to go to the bar, but to reassure my family I was indeed getting better.

I guess doing all this and putting it on Facebook was bad judgment. I get where the friend who talked to me about this is coming from. But I still think my reasoning was valid too. So maybe my judgment still isn't where it should be.

I go to support groups (even facilitated for a while). I got a master's degree so I could be a psychotherapist. I interned in a third-world country helping children who'd been taken from their parents. I interned locally with hospice, which was heartbreaking. I try so very hard to do good in this world.

To know now that instead of people recognizing that, they think I'm begging for money to party ...
I'm at a loss as to what to do. If I stay home all the time, that will fuel the depression. If I go out and DON'T post it after I've posted so many other details, I feel like I'm being dishonest.

I'm working on co-writing a book with my best friend about me having bipolar and what it's been like for her. I want to fight stigma. I certainly don't want to make the stigma WORSE. But maybe some of the opinions people have that are negative are also valid.