I tried and failed (again) to work a full-time job. My bipolar disorder is too out of control. I'm just not stable. Haven't been in years, really. I didn't want to go on disability. But I'm treatment resistant, and while I hope my persistence in trying new medication combinations will eventually pay off with higher functioning (or a return to my "normal" at least), for now I'm facing the fact that I need the financial stability that comes with disability benefits. I'm awaiting a hearing. I'm crossing my fingers. My age and my education are very much going to work against me. So there's no guarantee the judge will see it my way. Well, not just "my" way but my multiple doctors' and therapists' ways too ... Just have to wait and see. So I'm circling the wagons, waiting.
If I DO manage to be awarded disability, it will mean adjusting to a new identity in some ways. I've always defined myself and my success by my career(s). Finding intrinsic worth is a tall order when you've grown up in a capitalist society where expecting people to will-power their way through adversity is a moral issue.
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