Volunteering

Oh, one good thing. I am now volunteering for the Mental Health Association, their Community Awareness Council specifically. It's goal is to connect people with mental health challenges to resources in the community. Monthly meetings. And I'm in charge of arranging a speaker each month. It feels good to have something to do, something that gets me out of my head a little bit. I am working on lining up someone for the meeting later in October, and I have someone who can do November. There are other projects I want to volunteer for at the MHA, but baby steps. I don't want to commit and not be able to follow through. So yeah, slow and steady.

A long struggle

I have been really suffering since early June. That's four months and I'm not getting much better. I haven't been unstable for this long in years. Like maybe 7 years, back when I was going through my divorce. Back when I was sometimes noncompliant with taking my meds regularly.


I have battle fatigue, I think. I'm not getting worse, but it FEELS worse because it's been dragging on for so long. Plus, I don't have much hope because, 1) being depressed means being hopeless, and 2) I have zero confidence in the agency that's managing my medications.


Meanwhile, I am doing everything I can to take care of myself, even though I want to give up. I am trying to interact with other human beings. It's painful at times. I get so overwhelmed and overstimulated. Hiding is easier. I am so exhausted all the time, and trying to engage with people takes more energy than I have.


I worry that all my negative posts on Facebook will turn people off. Maybe I shouldn't post at all. But I need support, and I get comments and messages that honestly help. So I guess I'll keep posting when I feel like I need some feedback.

Change your hair, change your life (or current mood, at least)

I decided to get a haircut yesterday. It had been several months and I have been hating my hair for a long time. It's not that it looked BAD necessarily. But it looked nothing like I meant for it too last time I picked a style. And it just wasn't any fun.


So I went to the Cutting Room in Niceville. A woman named Rebecca cut it for me, styled it too. I got rid of some of the length, and did a little bit of an undercut, where you buzz cut some of the bottom of your head. The rest of my hair falls over it if I wear it down, so I can still look appropriately conservative when the situation calls for it. But I can also wear it up and show off the buzzed part. A friend on Facebook commented that it was very rock n roll. That made me smile.


It feels lighter (because it is), which I love. It looks fun both ways. I think it suits me physically and personality-wise. I ain't jumpin' no fences, but I do feel better. Sometimes it's the little things.

Is Saliva Too Much to Ask For?

I haven't blogged in about a year, but I am hoping that in resuming I will find support from readers and educate people a little bit too.


Today I want to talk about recent side effects, or more aptly, adverse effects. Against my protests, I was taken off my antidepressant a few months ago. (Long story). I have just restarted taking it a couple of weeks ago after my depression got so bad my provider realized I did indeed need the medication.


I'm talking specifically about Effexor XR. I have taken it for years with good result. Having tried a list of antidepressants, I know this is the one that works best for me. I KNOW I need it. I WANT to take it. So compliance seems like a no-brainer, right?


What makes it hard is the nausea. And the dry mouth. While my body gets used to this medication again, I can barely force myself to eat. I've lost 13 pounds in three weeks through no effort on my part. Granted, I need to lose the weight and am excited because I know the less I weigh, the easier I can control my diabetes ... Still, this isn't the best diet, being too sick to eat. In fact, even though the weight loss is good, skipping meals and snacks altogether is bad. That means I'm not keeping my blood sugar levels consistent throughout the day. I haven't gotten into dangerous territory, but it's worried me quite a bit. The nausea is getting a little better. It will go away eventually. But then they'll raise my dose, and I'll get sick again. Then they'll raise it again, and I'll get sick again. Then, if I end up on the same dose as before, they'll raise it AGAIN, and I'll get sick AGAIN. It's enough to make me want to throw the pills in the trash. *sigh* But then I won't get better. I will generally hate life, worry my family and friends, and risk suicide. So I'll take them.


The adverse effect that had me in tears last night wasn't the nausea though. It was dry mouth. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal. But it was sort of a straw that broke the camel's back after a long period of stress. My mouth has been so dry that sometimes my lips stick together when I try to talk, making me mispronounce a word here and there. It's embarrassing, though I doubt anyone is holding it against me. More frustrating is that I can barely swallow, and drinking water doesn't help, and I keep a medicine-y taste in my mouth. My solution is sugar-free hard candy. Sugar free because diabetes, of course. This kind of candy is more expensive than the sugar-having stuff. And with me not working right now, I hate spending extra money on something like candy, of all things. But I need it. I didn't realize I'd ran out until I was in bed. So I found myself going to Walmart after midnight in search of Life Savers. I found Jolly Ranchers and Butterscotch candies too. I'm so glad they have a selection of sugar-free stuff. But  yeah, having to make that midnight trip made me cry a little. Because it seems like nothing is easy, nothing is simple. I just want to produce a little saliva. Is that too much to ask?


But I won't throw away the meds. I won't. I won't. I won't. Grrrrr.