A good friend did something difficult and gave me a talkin' to (I mean that in the best since, not smart-assy). I am so glad she did. In response, I'm going to try to address what she said. This is the hardest post I've ever tried to write.
Apparently some people have lost respect for me for begging for money, then going out to a bar or otherwise enjoying myself. Now that I think about it, I can see how that would look like I'm being irresponsible and making bad decisions.
I'm on the fence, though, about whether those really are bad decisions. Bear with me please. I have bipolar disorder. I want to talk about it honestly and publically to help fight stigma. And I need help financially, so GoFundMe.
I think most of y'all know about depression symptoms. I'm less certain you know what mania is in any meaningful detail.
Common signs and symptoms of mania include:
Here's a list:
*Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
*Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
*Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
*Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
*Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
*Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
*Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
*Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
*Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)
I think the recklessness, impulsiveness, and impaired judgment are what's giving people such a bad impression of me.
I'm going to use one recent example: Going to 603's Closing Night Halloween party.
Let me explain my reasoning on this. First, someone gave me a little money and told me specifically to use it for something fun. That's because she knew while I'm depressed I don't get out of bed for days, and I obsess about the disaster that is my life lately. I take treating my illness seriously. I mean, I shocked my brain several times to save me life. That's not an exaggeration. But it's no cure. It just got me out of the deepest depths.
While I was in the hospital, my Mama told me 603 was closing. She knew that would be very meaningful to me. It was the first place I sang open mic or sat in with a band. In fact, it's the first and only bar I've ever felt safe and comfortable in. I respect and like the owner and manager. I've made good friends there. I sort of sped up getting out of the hospital so I could attend the party. Bad judgment? In retrospect, that sounds supremely stupid. But again, I thought it was OK because there was no cover and I usually buy Coke or 1 adult beverage. The whole night cost no more than $5. I was visiting family I hadn't seen in over a month, so the gas (in my mind, at least) wasn't to go to the bar, but to reassure my family I was indeed getting better.
I guess doing all this and putting it on Facebook was bad judgment. I get where the friend who talked to me about this is coming from. But I still think my reasoning was valid too. So maybe my judgment still isn't where it should be.
I go to support groups (even facilitated for a while). I got a master's degree so I could be a psychotherapist. I interned in a third-world country helping children who'd been taken from their parents. I interned locally with hospice, which was heartbreaking. I try so very hard to do good in this world.
To know now that instead of people recognizing that, they think I'm begging for money to party ...
I'm at a loss as to what to do. If I stay home all the time, that will fuel the depression. If I go out and DON'T post it after I've posted so many other details, I feel like I'm being dishonest.
I'm working on co-writing a book with my best friend about me having bipolar and what it's been like for her. I want to fight stigma. I certainly don't want to make the stigma WORSE. But maybe some of the opinions people have that are negative are also valid.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Forgot about DBSA
Well, I had meant to go to DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) but honestly forgot. My memory has never, ever, ever, been this bad. I am doing better driving around Niceville. Haven't gotten lost in a couple of days.
I printed out a mood/medication tracker, and some calendar/to do list pages. I really need to know when my appointments are, what tasks are due when, and ESPECIALLY whether I really took my meds or just SEEM to remember taking them.
Some goals that I haven't scheduled a deadline for as yet:
update resume
color mandalas to relax
practice keys
practice lap steel
practice singing/memorizing lyrics
go through all my clothes and pick some to donate (before Christmas)
Car needs an oil change (not that I have money to do that)
Squealing car belt needs fixing (not that I have money to do that either)
Lucy needs antibiotics for a skin infection. Wonder how much that will cost?
Keep checking indeed.com for jobs I might want to apply for
I'm sure there are 9 million other things .... but this is a start.
I printed out a mood/medication tracker, and some calendar/to do list pages. I really need to know when my appointments are, what tasks are due when, and ESPECIALLY whether I really took my meds or just SEEM to remember taking them.
Some goals that I haven't scheduled a deadline for as yet:
update resume
color mandalas to relax
practice keys
practice lap steel
practice singing/memorizing lyrics
go through all my clothes and pick some to donate (before Christmas)
Car needs an oil change (not that I have money to do that)
Squealing car belt needs fixing (not that I have money to do that either)
Lucy needs antibiotics for a skin infection. Wonder how much that will cost?
Keep checking indeed.com for jobs I might want to apply for
I'm sure there are 9 million other things .... but this is a start.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
When I lived in Tallahassee, DBSA was a huge part of my life. A couple of years or so ago, I attended the Fort Walton Beach chapter a little bit. I didn't find it as helpful. The group dynamics were just different. But I think I'm going to give it another chance. If memory serves (HA!), it meets tonight. I will verify that before I drive over.
Memory problems
Yesterday I got lost trying to find my therapist's office (Bridgeway). I've gone to that place off and on for well over a decade. I get now why the doctor told me not to drive for a week after my last treatment. Eh, I'll still be noncompliant on that front, but I will limit it as much as I find acceptable.
Apparently I signed a petition complaining about the food in the hospital. I don't remember anything about that.
I talked to the benefits coordinator 6 times and only remember 2 of those conversations.
Soni says I would call her 5 times a day from the hospital and say the same things over and over. I thought I was calling once a day.
The other patients were good natured about it. T kidded me a lot. He was a good buddy. He used to work at the Tallahassee Democrat, so we bonded over that. I really wish him well. I wonder if he's out yet? Maybe I should call and ask, go visit him tomorrow night. It's gets awfully boring in there.
Also yesterday I visited the Mental Health Association to see if I could volunteer, get some structure in my life. I was honest about the fact that I'm still recovering. So the woman I talked to suggested I participate in some events for a while until I feel steadier, then volunteer. We did come up with some projects that we were both enthusiastic about, so I hope it all works out.
Later in the day was when I got lost on the way to see my therapist. I had a funny story for her. I told her that when my social worker at the hospital asked who my therapist was, I couldn't remember her name but said she was the Bridgeway therapist who looked like Catherine Zeta Jones, only more tan. She cracked up over that, and seemed to appreciate the comparison.
As we got into the session, it got kinda heavy. I was crying by the time I left. Basically we were discussing disability vs. working vs. pursuing a Ph.D. I'm so confused. So uncertain of my abilities.
Therapist thinks I'm way to smart to abandon my dreams of working and/or furthering my education. I just feel so very shaken by the last few months.
I was actually a bit manic yesterday (have I said that already?).
Last night I calmed down, and today I feel fine. Still confused, but level moodwise and functional. Transcribing my journal and writing more is helping me process stuff.
Apparently I signed a petition complaining about the food in the hospital. I don't remember anything about that.
I talked to the benefits coordinator 6 times and only remember 2 of those conversations.
Soni says I would call her 5 times a day from the hospital and say the same things over and over. I thought I was calling once a day.
The other patients were good natured about it. T kidded me a lot. He was a good buddy. He used to work at the Tallahassee Democrat, so we bonded over that. I really wish him well. I wonder if he's out yet? Maybe I should call and ask, go visit him tomorrow night. It's gets awfully boring in there.
Also yesterday I visited the Mental Health Association to see if I could volunteer, get some structure in my life. I was honest about the fact that I'm still recovering. So the woman I talked to suggested I participate in some events for a while until I feel steadier, then volunteer. We did come up with some projects that we were both enthusiastic about, so I hope it all works out.
Later in the day was when I got lost on the way to see my therapist. I had a funny story for her. I told her that when my social worker at the hospital asked who my therapist was, I couldn't remember her name but said she was the Bridgeway therapist who looked like Catherine Zeta Jones, only more tan. She cracked up over that, and seemed to appreciate the comparison.
As we got into the session, it got kinda heavy. I was crying by the time I left. Basically we were discussing disability vs. working vs. pursuing a Ph.D. I'm so confused. So uncertain of my abilities.
Therapist thinks I'm way to smart to abandon my dreams of working and/or furthering my education. I just feel so very shaken by the last few months.
I was actually a bit manic yesterday (have I said that already?).
Last night I calmed down, and today I feel fine. Still confused, but level moodwise and functional. Transcribing my journal and writing more is helping me process stuff.
Best compliment ever
Written October 31, 2014, from Mama's house (home)
When Mama saw my Halloween costume, she was appalled that I stole a hospital gown. From her workplace, no less. She said, "Codie didn't have nothin' on you."
That's the highest praise I could've ever gotten. :) Lol
When Mama saw my Halloween costume, she was appalled that I stole a hospital gown. From her workplace, no less. She said, "Codie didn't have nothin' on you."
That's the highest praise I could've ever gotten. :) Lol
Music project
Written from Mama's house (home) November 2, 2014
Got a call from a harp player I know. He was inviting me to audition to sing (and play keys probably) for a blues band. Very excited.
Got a call from a harp player I know. He was inviting me to audition to sing (and play keys probably) for a blues band. Very excited.
Finished ECT
Written October 30, 2014, at FWBMC
The ECT was successful and I'm happy I did it. I get discharged today. I'm thinking I'm going to wear a hospital gown as my Halloween costume, be an escaped mental patient. I will save and wear my wristband hospital ID.
The ECT was successful and I'm happy I did it. I get discharged today. I'm thinking I'm going to wear a hospital gown as my Halloween costume, be an escaped mental patient. I will save and wear my wristband hospital ID.
Hungry
Written October 29, 2014, at FWBMC
ECT is later today. We're headed to recreational therapy. I'm hungry. Had to skip breakfast. Ready for lunch but I can't eat until after ECT.
ECT is later today. We're headed to recreational therapy. I'm hungry. Had to skip breakfast. Ready for lunch but I can't eat until after ECT.
Costumes
Written October 28, 2014, at FWBMC
I think tomorrow will be my last ECT treatment. I'm feeling much more my smart ass self. I really hope I make it to 603's closing party. And I hope I get to tangle up with R. <3 I wonder if it would do me any good to tell him how I feel. Hell, he may be with XXXX again for all I know.
Meanwhile I need a costume for Mama's Fire and Ice party. I have a red dress and a blue dress. A coral one too. I have an icy crystal necklace. I also need some sort of costume for 603. I fear my pirate hat is in Soni's possession.
I also need to request my medical records from this stay. Not sure when they will have it done.
I think tomorrow will be my last ECT treatment. I'm feeling much more my smart ass self. I really hope I make it to 603's closing party. And I hope I get to tangle up with R. <3 I wonder if it would do me any good to tell him how I feel. Hell, he may be with XXXX again for all I know.
Meanwhile I need a costume for Mama's Fire and Ice party. I have a red dress and a blue dress. A coral one too. I have an icy crystal necklace. I also need some sort of costume for 603. I fear my pirate hat is in Soni's possession.
I also need to request my medical records from this stay. Not sure when they will have it done.
Planning one more ECT Treatment
Written later October 27, 2014 at FWBMC
I'm going to do another ECT treatment. I feel good but want to lock it in.
I've been enjoying coloring mandalas. It's very soothing.
I wish I had an MP3 players or the internet. I miss Facebook and Gmail.
And I miss job hunting on Indeed.
I couldn't find my most recent resume in Google Drive today (one of the therapists let me look on her computer). I'm so confused. Maybe Soni will know.
I think I'm going home October 30.
I'm going to do another ECT treatment. I feel good but want to lock it in.
I've been enjoying coloring mandalas. It's very soothing.
I wish I had an MP3 players or the internet. I miss Facebook and Gmail.
And I miss job hunting on Indeed.
I couldn't find my most recent resume in Google Drive today (one of the therapists let me look on her computer). I'm so confused. Maybe Soni will know.
I think I'm going home October 30.
Sad about 603
Written October 27, 2014 at FWBMC
I finished ECT today. I'm supposed to go home tomorrow. I can't drive myself. My short term memory problems mean I can't drive because I might forget where I am.
603 is closing, Mama said. Last night is this Friday. R is going to be there, reportedly. Of course I want to spend time with him. Who knows.
Instead of thinking about that, I should be figuring out where I'm going to live. L is an option but I can't take my dogs there.
D wants to talk to me about job stuff. That makes me happy. I'm afraid she'll discount me now that she knows I have a diagnosis. I'm going to try to spin is as I have a lot of empathy and motivation to help people.
I finished ECT today. I'm supposed to go home tomorrow. I can't drive myself. My short term memory problems mean I can't drive because I might forget where I am.
603 is closing, Mama said. Last night is this Friday. R is going to be there, reportedly. Of course I want to spend time with him. Who knows.
Instead of thinking about that, I should be figuring out where I'm going to live. L is an option but I can't take my dogs there.
D wants to talk to me about job stuff. That makes me happy. I'm afraid she'll discount me now that she knows I have a diagnosis. I'm going to try to spin is as I have a lot of empathy and motivation to help people.
Halloween, wine, dancing
Written October 26, 2014 at FWBMC
I'm certainly feeling better. Enough that I'm wondering about Halloween plans. I really miss R. I know he will hurt me. But I keep fantasizing about him. Mama made a good point: If he wouldn't straighten up for XXXX and his kids, he won't for anybody. ...
I'm ready to look for a job again. I wonder what kind of reference I would get from Pathway. Maybe T would give me a good one. YYYY suggested I be a Public Information Officer for one of the state agencies that would benefit from my MSW. That's not a bad idea.
I really want a glass of muscadine wine and a night of dancing. Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door. Hey, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I hope Mama visits. Maybe I should ask her to bring me some chocolate.
I'm certainly feeling better. Enough that I'm wondering about Halloween plans. I really miss R. I know he will hurt me. But I keep fantasizing about him. Mama made a good point: If he wouldn't straighten up for XXXX and his kids, he won't for anybody. ...
I'm ready to look for a job again. I wonder what kind of reference I would get from Pathway. Maybe T would give me a good one. YYYY suggested I be a Public Information Officer for one of the state agencies that would benefit from my MSW. That's not a bad idea.
I really want a glass of muscadine wine and a night of dancing. Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door. Hey, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I hope Mama visits. Maybe I should ask her to bring me some chocolate.
Feeling better but schedules out of whack
Written October 25, 2014 at FWBMC
I feel great moodwise. I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night though. Just a lot on my mind. No racing thoughts. Just anxious. Skipped breakfast again. Got up after 11 a.m.
In other news, I got Chapstick because my lips are awful. I have a crack in the corner of my mouth that really hurts.
I need to find out what the waiting list is for that program in Tallahassee. Though I think I'd rather stay over here. I'm tempted to call H to see if he has time to play music. There's N too. I really want to make creating a blues band a priority.
Oh, SW said waiting list is a month.
I feel great moodwise. I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night though. Just a lot on my mind. No racing thoughts. Just anxious. Skipped breakfast again. Got up after 11 a.m.
In other news, I got Chapstick because my lips are awful. I have a crack in the corner of my mouth that really hurts.
I need to find out what the waiting list is for that program in Tallahassee. Though I think I'd rather stay over here. I'm tempted to call H to see if he has time to play music. There's N too. I really want to make creating a blues band a priority.
Oh, SW said waiting list is a month.
So much uncertainty
Written later Thursday, October 23, at FWBMC
It's almost time to go to bed now. I feel somewhat better. Trying to decide where to go when I leave the hospital. Not sure what turned my attitude around. I talked to a couple of the staff and they were encouraging.
L says I can go live with her but not with the dogs. Grandparents say I can live with them and I assume I could take the dogs. Of course I can live with Mama.
I keep thinking about R. I know I "should" leave him alone ... But S got married. There's nobody else that strikes my fancy. I'm tired of being alone.
I need to find a job. Maybe I can get my social worker to help me with a job search.
I really want to sing. I wonder if I'd have better luck putting together a band in Tallahassee. I love 603 and would love playing there. I guess that's silly, since there's more opportunity in Tallahassee. But it intimidates me.
It's almost time to go to bed now. I feel somewhat better. Trying to decide where to go when I leave the hospital. Not sure what turned my attitude around. I talked to a couple of the staff and they were encouraging.
L says I can go live with her but not with the dogs. Grandparents say I can live with them and I assume I could take the dogs. Of course I can live with Mama.
I keep thinking about R. I know I "should" leave him alone ... But S got married. There's nobody else that strikes my fancy. I'm tired of being alone.
I need to find a job. Maybe I can get my social worker to help me with a job search.
I really want to sing. I wonder if I'd have better luck putting together a band in Tallahassee. I love 603 and would love playing there. I guess that's silly, since there's more opportunity in Tallahassee. But it intimidates me.
Skipped arts and crafts, having suicidal thoughts
Written Thursday, October 23, at FWBMC
Suicidal thoughts again. Today has been awful since I woke up. I didn't go to breakfast. I'm surprised they let me skip since they're so strict on enforcing schedule/structure. They brought me a tray of food, but I didn't eat any of it.
I skipped arts and crafts. Dr. Harrison is going to increase my drug dosages. I've had 6 ECT treatments. I bet I need 12 again like that time in Tallassee.
Suicidal thoughts again. Today has been awful since I woke up. I didn't go to breakfast. I'm surprised they let me skip since they're so strict on enforcing schedule/structure. They brought me a tray of food, but I didn't eat any of it.
I skipped arts and crafts. Dr. Harrison is going to increase my drug dosages. I've had 6 ECT treatments. I bet I need 12 again like that time in Tallassee.
Low
Written later on October 21, 2014
OK. I need more ECT. I'm nowhere near where I need to be. I'm still depressed, very anxious. I can't even remember feeling confident or optimistic.
I am so mad A hasn't come to visit me. A says he can't stand seeing me like this. Jerk.
OK. I need more ECT. I'm nowhere near where I need to be. I'm still depressed, very anxious. I can't even remember feeling confident or optimistic.
I am so mad A hasn't come to visit me. A says he can't stand seeing me like this. Jerk.
Not getting well yet
Written October 21, 2014 at FWBMC
Irritable as can be. Not sure why. I need to stay here quite a bit longer than originally planned as I'm nowhere near well. So a few more ECT treatments are in order.
Irritable as can be. Not sure why. I need to stay here quite a bit longer than originally planned as I'm nowhere near well. So a few more ECT treatments are in order.
Changing my mind
Written October 20, 2014
Check with Soni to see if my car insurance is due. Do I have any $ from GoFundMe to pay it?
I'm not going to do Hope House. I can't share a bathroom with 7 other women.
I want to sing, and I want N to play for me. But he can't commit to the same level as I want. Can't blame him. If I had a job, spouse, kid, I'd have different priorities too.
Check with Soni to see if my car insurance is due. Do I have any $ from GoFundMe to pay it?
I'm not going to do Hope House. I can't share a bathroom with 7 other women.
I want to sing, and I want N to play for me. But he can't commit to the same level as I want. Can't blame him. If I had a job, spouse, kid, I'd have different priorities too.
Stil thinking about R (he who shall not be named)
Written Oct. 19 at FWBMC
I feel somewhat better. Been thinking about R a lot. Cuz that's helpful. I'm about ready to check out of here and find a job. I just don't know where I want to live. I want to get a social work job and also pursue my music. I want to take the GRE again too. I'm still thinking about R. I need to get him out of my system, but apparently ECT don't cover that.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
I feel somewhat better. Been thinking about R a lot. Cuz that's helpful. I'm about ready to check out of here and find a job. I just don't know where I want to live. I want to get a social work job and also pursue my music. I want to take the GRE again too. I'm still thinking about R. I need to get him out of my system, but apparently ECT don't cover that.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Hope House
Written October 14, 2014, at FWBMC
I interviewed with Hope House (transitional housing) in Tallahassee. I was accepted but am on a waiting list and have to call weekly to stay on the list. I hope it works out and that it's a good environment for me. I want tot go back to work as a therapist, but disability is an option. I think I'm capable of working if I get certain accommodations. I'm feeling kind of low today. Mama saw R (he who shall not be named) over the weekend and said he was asking about me. I wish I didn't care so much for him. But I do. Moving to Tallahassee might be good just in that it will distance me from him.
I interviewed with Hope House (transitional housing) in Tallahassee. I was accepted but am on a waiting list and have to call weekly to stay on the list. I hope it works out and that it's a good environment for me. I want tot go back to work as a therapist, but disability is an option. I think I'm capable of working if I get certain accommodations. I'm feeling kind of low today. Mama saw R (he who shall not be named) over the weekend and said he was asking about me. I wish I didn't care so much for him. But I do. Moving to Tallahassee might be good just in that it will distance me from him.
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