Hospital journal excerpt, in blue

(written in blue crayon) I am lying in my bed facing the wall, a portion of which is covered with a partition. Thicker than wallpaper, not just paint. It’s is the perfect smokey marriage of navy and  plum, with the faint texture of an old woman’s skin gone to crepe paper. I press my palm to it, half hoping my fingers will seep through into another world, where my skin will be transformed into this color, a new creature with delicate blue skin that is wrinkled with fine lines of the lessons of an older, more enlightened version of myself. In my new world my skin would be revered as it speaks a story of endless harrowing battles won. I am a Queen. A Conquerer. I trace my fingertips, slow as with a lover, but it is just an ordinary wall. So I turn away, sit up, now cross-legged in my bed scribbling with a blue crayon because I don’t know what else to do.

How Not to Die

For an art therapy exercise I made this collage. I was rummaging through magazine clips and the "How Not to Die" jumped out at me, as that seemed exactly what the main goal of my hospitalization was. Other phrases are Out and About, Discover More, Be Happy, Live Well, Caught in the Moment, and Harmony. Pics are of a waterfall, good meals, a BFF necklace, a woman jogging, parasailing (as in, having a parachute if you're going to take a big leap), a dog, colored pencils, paint, tambourine, hands clapping, scrapbook paper in purple gingham, and I made a silver glitter heart. I put the red feather with the Miss Scarlet phrase to remind myself of the scene where she has to go into the lion's den, so to speak, and hold her head high despite the horrible things everyone was believing and saying about her.

If I'd had a long time to ponder over this, it would've looked very different. But to paste it together in 30 minutes, I don't think it's too bad a message. Fitness, creative expression, savoring life, support system, channel Scarlet, glitter, and love ... these things will keep me alive.